


Like Real People Do

by warmommy



Category: Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Genre: Asexual Hugo Stiglitz, F/M, Hugo Stiglitz is petty and adorable, Hugo Stiglitz: Matchmaker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 01:57:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warmommy/pseuds/warmommy
Summary: Thanks for reading! You can find this and a lot more at my tumblr, warmommy.tumblr.com!





	Like Real People Do

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find this and a lot more at my tumblr, warmommy.tumblr.com!

You walked into the room and the whole of the world went quiet for you. Or, at least that’s how it happened in Wilhelm Wicki’s mind. He was in dress uniform, same as the others, but you were in a  _dress,_ dark blue, strapless, like something a princess would wear. He could guess that this was largely to do with the fact that you were summarily kicked out of the Army before the OSS picked you up, because of that unfortunate incident with two bottles of nickel whiskey and the ‘Krautmobile’. 

It was a story that Aldo loved to tell, and, every time he did, you would be sitting off to the side, arms crossed, puffing away on a cigarette and angrily interjecting to correct any of his mistakes. That was you, who you were, that was how you’d stolen his heart and ran away with it.

That and the time you found that muddy little half-starved puppy, named him Sherman, after the tanks, and kept him in  your hotel room for a week before Aldo found out and had a shit fit the size of New Jersey.

That and all the times you went undercover as a couple and appeared to be  _really_ into it. There was even once where, in a crowded theatre, your target a few aisles ahead of you, you had turned to him and started to kiss him, and wouldn’t stop. It was pure torture, it was pure pleasure. How you felt in his arms, how your lips parted just for him, how your hand slid up to his shoulder and squeezed. Wilhelm remembered the relief of  _finally_  getting alone that night.

This whole deal, gala, he didn’t know what the hell to call it, just another bullshit party so that officers could meet and rub elbows with the Basterds, called for a degree of decorum that Wilhelm just did not feel he could uphold if he kept on looking at you. Luckily (or unluckily) for him, one of the very best (and very worst) people he’d met in his life had, at some point, appeared beside him.

“ _She really is lovely,”_ Stiglitz said, and he wasn’t trying to provoke him this time. “ _Is it going to happen this time?”_

_“No. You know how it is. I can handle ordinary rejection, but it’d kill me coming from her. I made the mistake of falling in love with my best friend. I’d just fuck it up and she’d never talk to me again. I love her too much to lose her.”  
_

Hugo scowled at him. “You are stupid and a coward and that is why you will never be happy and die alone.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Wilhelm laughed, shoving gently at the man’s elbow. Stiglitz had a way of seeing the world purely in black and white, and he had never in his life learned the meaning of the words decorum, tact, or subtlety. “I love you, too.”

“Well, I’m going to talk to her right now. I can’t find my raincoat and I think that she’s stolen it again.”

“’Again’? You live with her, you can’t confront her about it at home?”

Hugo made a face that would have been hilarious on anyone else and shook his head vigorously. “If we’re in public and she’s scared that I am going to make a scene, because she knows that I  _will_ , she’s more likely to admit it. Remember, in April, about all those boxes of ammunition that she hid from me? I’m going to catch that smirking bitch in the act one day.”

“No one can help how paranoid you are,” Wilhelm called after the man as he stalked towards you, his beautiful roommate. It’d drive him a little more crazy if Hugo didn’t so desperately need a normal, patient, kind human being to show him how to live in a world that didn’t want him dead. The guy would be lost without you, here in America, and, ‘smirking bitch’ aside, Wilhelm knew that Hugo, too, considered you his closest friend.

Wilhelm took up conversation with a general who approached with his wife and shut you out of his mind.

It was later in the night that he saw you again, but not where he would have expected. He was washing his hands in the men’s room when the door opened and he looked up to see your reflection in the mirror. 

“Holy  _shit_ , you scared me!” he hollered, clutching his chest. “I’m older than you, my heart wasn’t built to last.”

“You’re in love with me?” Your voice was soft, unassuming. 

Wilhelm gripped the marble counter and took a deep breath. “I am gonna  _kill_  that fuckin’ Kraut.”

“Come with me, please.” You turned just so, still gazing at him over your shoulder, and there was no Hollywood actress that could  _ever_ pull off such a move with as much grace and poise as you.

Feeling like he was about to puke, Wilhelm followed you out onto the terrace. The beadwork on your bodice caught the moonlight; your long, white gloves seemed to shimmer. You were wringing your hands.

“Y/N, listen to me. You’re everything to me, if I’m being honest. I  _cannot_  lose you. We have a thirty-two year old psychotic German to raise together. I just, I’m tripping over my own tongue right now, I can’t fucking believe that little dick weasel said anything to you…I don’t want to lose you. Please. Let’s just…forget everything. Let’s go get so drunk we’ll never remember this happened.”

“Do you think that there’s something going on between me and Hugo? I swear we’re not a couple.”

“No, I know that. Stiglitz isn’t attracted to  _anyone_. Men, women, nothing. Maybe one day he’ll find another member of his species…” Wilhelm sighed, damn tears trying to break through. “You asked, okay? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you. I do love you, but I don’t want to lose you as my friend. My best friend.”

“Move with us,” you said. “Move in with us. When we were looking for a place, he had a fit if it was too far away from you. It’s close to your office. Move in with us.”

“I…” Wilhelm pawed through his hair. “If you want me to.”

“We have a boy to raise,” you said softly, taking a few steps closer with little clicks on the stones. Your gloved hand slipped into his. “And, one day, we’ll have to give him little brothers and sisters. He’s already asked.”

Wilhelm’s fingers gripped and dug into the satin fabric behind your back. Your arms circled his neck, every bit as calm as he was frantic.

Hugo tapped hard on the window and smiled and waved from inside.


End file.
